 | | In today's edition, Joe shares: - Why FAFO parenting is sparking massive debate
- Dr. Lara Pence's view on discipline
- How resilience grows through friction
| | Spartans!
Joe here, writing this week from Greece, where on the flight over I read a Wall Street Journal piece on "FAFO parenting" that nailed what I've been saying for years: kids don't grow from comfort, they grow from consequences.
One mom in the article threw her 13 year-old into a pond after he pushed things too far with a water pistol. Another made her kids walk home in the rain when they forgot jackets. You don't like dinner, Timmy? Goodnight pal, wait until the morning to eat.
When I was sixteen, I ran a pool business in Queens. My alarm went off before dawn. I hauled pipes, dug trenches, cleaned filters, and still made it to school. Nobody checked if I was tired. Nobody bailed me out when I screwed up. That's where my grit comes from: doing the hard work, taking the hits, learning fast, and moving on without crying about it.
Dr. Lara Pence, Spartan's Chief Mind Doc, says this is exactly how we build capable humans: "Teaching your children to tolerate distress requires clear boundaries and firm NOs." Basically, when kids hit those limits and see they can recover, they build confidence that lasts.
I see this at our races every weekend. One kid stares up at a wall, fails, and comes back again until they get over it. The look on their face at the end is pure pride. Then there's the parent lifting their kid over every wall. Sure, the photo looks nice, and there's some bonding going on, but that kid leaves relatively unchanged. One moment forged a little more lifelong grit, the other did… not much.
The WSJ piece includes critics who say FAFO parenting risks harm. And yes, discipline without connection is a mistake, and there's never a place for violence or harassment. But Lara's point stands: saying no with clarity and consistency isn't cruel. It's love in action. It builds trust, structure, and emotional strength.
Look at history. Kids used to walk miles to school, work outside, and do jobs for a few bucks before they could drive. They adapted. That constant exposure to challenge shaped resilient adults. Now, in our rush to cushion everything, we've stripped away all the proving grounds.
This week, pick one spot where you've padded too much. Your kid's chores, or if you don't have a kid - a teammate's accountability. Examine your own excuses. Set a new line in the sand. Let the lesson happen. We don't build Spartans by carrying them through the fire, but by letting them walk through it, knowing we'll be there when they come out stronger.
Hurry up,
Joe | | | LET THEM FAIL | In our book "10 Rules for Resilience" Dr. Lara Pence writes: "When my son tried out for soccer, he didn't make the team. I didn't call the coach or soften the blow. We talked about what hurt, then what's next." She adds, "Kids need small, safe failures." Those moments like missed teams, bad grades, and tough breaks are what prepare them for life. Hold the line, support them, and teach them to rise on their own.
More stories: 10 Rules for Resilience: Mental Toughness for Families. | | | You Ask, Joe Answers | Q: "How do I stop rescuing my kid without feeling bad?"
- Andrea M.
A: You gotta have the guts to step back on the little things. Missed homework or forgotten cleats. Let them trip up while you watch close by. That's how they learn to recover, and that's how grit gets built. You'll feel way worse if they grow up without it.
Aroo!
Question for Joe? Want to tell him what you think of The Hard Way? Email him at thehardway@spartan.com. | | | | They Said It | | "Do not train a child to learn by force or harshness; but direct them to it by what amuses their minds." | | – Plato | | | ➝The Hard Way Podcast with Joe | | | From Chaos to Clarity: Own Your Mind, Lead Your Life | | | Joe De Sena sits down with performance coach and father of five, Joe Greco, to talk about what it really takes to build grit in your kids, your career, and yourself. From Spartan-style parenting to leading high-performing teams, Joe shares battle-tested strategies for mastering discipline, staying purpose-driven, and unlocking your full potential. | | | | | | ➝Watch The Latest Hard Way Video | | | Spartan Games Begin | | 24 elite athletes. 5 days. $100,000 on the line. The Spartan Games, presented by Harley-Davidson, brings world champions and legends from OCR, CrossFit, triathlon, and beyond to Spartan's birthplace in Vermont for the ultimate test of grit. Across five brutal days, they'll face everything from mountain biking to open-water swims to grueling obstacle courses — and it all starts here. Episode 1 kicks off with introductions and the first event. | | | | | | To keep receiving this newsletter, sign up here. | | | WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS NEWSLETTER? | | | | | |
No comments:
Post a Comment