You know what's the most American thing I can think of?
It's not microwaving Kraft Apple Pie Mac & Cheese.
It's not screaming at the TV while watching brain-damaged millionaires play sportsball.
And it's not even arguing with boomer Uncles about vaccines making the frogs gay or Reddit-brained third cousins about how China managed to become a world power without turbo-diversity.
It's Christmas.
Because in America, we don't just celebrate Christmas. We dominate it.
We drag the dying carcass of an evergreen into our living rooms and transform it into a twinkling shrine to the Petrochemical Industrial Complex.
We trample and fistfight strangers for dubiously discounted electronics at 4 AM in a Wal Mart parking lot.
We take the bounty of the harvest, deep fry it, stuff it into other deep-fried food crimes, baptize it in butter, drown it in gravy, and eat ourselves into shaking, sweaty paralysis.
It's beautiful. It's unhinged. It's the greatest commercial spectacle in human history.
God bless America.
And yet, somewhere underneath all of it—the gastronomic violence, the 29% APR, the dinner-table bloodsport—there's still something real.
So let me say something real:
Thank you.
For reading my emails.
For trusting me with your fitness.
For actually caring about doing things the right way even when Big Algorithm is force-feeding you AI slop ads for greens gummies, mushroom coffee, and sea moss slime.
You didn't have to choose me.
There are hordes of fake catcrap claptrap influencers and ex-spurts you could be showering with your attention and shekels.
But you're here. And that means something.
So, from me and my merry band of misfits at Legion:
MERRY NON-DENOMINATIONAL SOLSTICEDAY!
Just kidding. I'm not a communist, so I'll say it the traditional way…
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
I hope your holidays are filled with good food, better company, and at least one moment where you catch yourself thinking, "Yeah. This is nice."
Then, I hope you go eat some more pie.
Well, it's time to get back to enjoying Michael Bublé before he's desiccated and vacuum sealed until next year.
*moonwalks*
*disappears*
Mike
Founder of Legion
P.S. ICYMI, here are a few popular articles that I've recently published over on my blog:
No comments:
Post a Comment